Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
