the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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