Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
