Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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