Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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