yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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