Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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