Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
