My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
