We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
