when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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