I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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