Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
