Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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