I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
