I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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