I accidentally had phone sex last night
Welp...herpes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
