I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
