when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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