tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
