Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
