i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
