Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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