Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
