Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
