i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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