Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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