Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
