The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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