He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I understand Curling. That high.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
