you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
