I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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