so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
