Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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