I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
