If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
