Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
