Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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