come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
