ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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