Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i drank out of a bidet.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
