her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
