After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
