Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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