I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
