Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We just shotgunned beers for America
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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