I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
