I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
