Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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