omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
