I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
