from now on my penis is your penis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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