Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
