tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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